Achieve With Amy

Hello blog it’s been a long time! Sorry I have been through the mill lately from climbing out of a large abyss of a crappy relapse! That I some how feel grateful for as it’s really shown me the reasons why I can’t go through it again. Though there is always a probability it may happen. But I’m hopeful that I won’t have to go down the dark alleyway that is scary and painful especially when she is there with you beating you down to a pulp! You are left feeling vulnerable, lost, anxious and upset. Your only left with is being battered and bruised. No one can help you fight her because you are lost, weak and alone. The only way out of this dark alley way was for me to gather myself together finding ways by mapping my way out using my goals and dreams.

I am not going to lie this has been the toughest relapse lasting over 2 months, for which I was down to my lowest. But as more time went on losing weight was getting harder because my body was reserving its energy. I even gained weight when I restricted because my metabolism was slow to keep my vital organs working. I used to deny this scientific proven fact for which I would restrict further with hope that I would feel better losing a bit of weight. Even having a slight gain or maintaining I used to come out of my sessions shaking and upset with myself. Feeling like a failure. I have also began to realise that the longer the relapse or restriction goes on the more your mood, cognitive thinking and self awareness is shattered. You forget who you are and all you care about is calories and losing weight because your left with false beliefs that this will make you better. You forget about memories, experiences, people your skills, talents and ambitions. This beast is so strong it makes you believe anything it says. It hypnotises you and has you all to itself. You are kidnapped and as explained in previous blog you fall into the trap of Stockholm syndrome again. You are alone with it constantly you start believing it’s your thoughts.

I feel now I can have closure on this demon that’s been haunting me for 20 years!

You probably might ask how did I pull myself away from this? After receiving my news about my nerve damage by my neurologist in June I was almost making a breakthrough. It’s having a reality check of myself that I started to think I can’t carry on with this. I nearly killed myself from this in my teens and again through my adulthood. After being told nerve damage only happens in severe cases. Along with it could be permanent If I carried on restriction. Walking like a horse and struggling like I’m an 80 year old lady was not what I wanted for the rest of my life. But still this wasn’t enough and needed to take some other actions. I hated myself for restriction and I remember two months ago going to see my friend in Nottingham one weekend I was in a very bad way I remember her hugging me tightly because I was in so much pain and tears from this awful illness. It made me hate myself and making me feel worthless once again using my depression to spiral myself deeper into Anorexia’s arms. Anything was spiralled into a massive hole of self destruction. I was in a bad way that people’s comments and words was viewed negatively leading me further into this hole. I still had hope inside me to keep fighting, as I remember going through my bad times counting the hours till it’s a new day and usually there is a point that the depression and anxiety fizzles down to allow myself to have a refocus.

It’s the many bad times I have had that make me more determined not to allow myself to follow that path. Today I am 4 weeks restriction free! The longest I have gone without any restrictions or following anything my head tells me when it comes to food. It still follows me but I can associate it with a child not getting its own way and it just try’s to get its own way. By saying no back to it I can hear her sulking and trying every opportunity to make me feel guilty.

Taken the day I decided enough was enough of these relapses!

I’ve got used to the feeling after 4 weeks I have accepted its going to try and make me feel horrible for the time being with each pound gained and every food item I consume. I’ve noticed my Personal Trainer muscles making a slight appearance and getting a bit of my strength restored. No longer am I weak and lifeless. I now feel the ability to take more control over ‘it’. My bad days are becoming less whereas they was a regular occurrence when I restricted. I no longer have moments of complete meltdowns of tears and anxiety. What has made a difference this time is how focused I am on getting myself a life worth living. Realising the hell it brings and it’s taken away the things I’ve enjoyed. Fitness, yoga, travel, my social life, my relationships, my career. All the fundamental parts of my life. My life was just calories, missing out on life and constant anxiety over weight gain.

I wrote down In my journal my dreams and ambitions. It was hard because I forgot about these throughout the whole duration of this illness. As I was no longer satisfied with anything I did and seeing myself as a failure. I realised all the things I wanted was not achievable having the illness control me. It was hard but after my counselling session 4 weeks ago I made a decision to not allow myself to go back and get that life I want. Amy deserves more than this! So I remember eating some left over birthday cake from my birthday 2 days ago that I couldn’t even have because of this monster! One of my goals was to have that successful career I had longed for. Also to get my passion for fitness that fizzled out for just focusing on burning calories 8 months ago.

I also wrote a life plan full of short, medium and long term goals. Travelling and that wanderlust in me came up to the surface! Another part of me forgotten because anorexia did not allow me to think about anything else other than her! I had a plan travelling around Asia visiting temples, yoga retreats and help animals. I always put it on hold because of money and not feeling confident enough to make a plan to make it happen.

I also want to help more and inspire more people with this, so I am looking at writing books putting my journals or memoirs to good use. Also to use my experience with my career and help people with mental health and Eating Disorders.

Compared to 9 months ago I have come really far on my journey. I’ve been looking at all my journals, which now there is 9 of them to get through! From how I was in my first journal entry to now is such an incredible difference! You would think it was written from a completely different person. I’m incredibly thankful in a way to have gone through this because I have found myself in a massive rollercoaster ride of discovery. I have found talents I would never discovered if it wasn’t for this illness. I have come out of my shell of low self esteem and confidence. I have now started to believe in myself after many years of thinking I’m not good enough. I am really proud of myself for achieving 4 weeks of not caving into the pits of anorexia. I’m seeing this opportunity of recovery to hopefully banish this demon once and for all. Knowing that it’s myself having full control, which in my teens I had no control over because it had me in such a bad way that the worse was feared if no intervention was to take place. Even though this time I was so close to possibly killing myself through this illness. I am proud of myself again to gain some strength to realise I need to take action quickly to fight for my life!

I am now accepting my feelings will take time and healing is accepting that. But knowing one day my issues and feelings will become less painful.

I have realised how our mental and physical state are determined by so many factors. Our brain and Nervous system is an incredible network within ourselves that remembers so much more than we realised.

My experience is through my mental health and how a lot of my issues are so deep rooted since my teens when I first had Anorexia. I had ignored the thoughts and feelings hoping one day they will be erased from my memory. I had many episodes throughout the past 20 years.

My experience as an inpatient at the age of 14 severely underweight and malnourished I had to be on bed rest for a few weeks constantly watched and fed. It was not a great experience but I am thankful as I would not be alive and experienced the many years of travelling

Little did I know it was always within me and took the right opportunity to take me down. This time it was worse than my first experience as I had encountered depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.

I almost killed myself during first year at University by taking anything I could get my hand on in conjunction of many units of alcohol I had taken. I remember feeling suffocated inside with pain because I was ashamed and thought people thought bad things of me because I was different. At the time going through a break up and struggling with university life, work load and a job to keep my funds coming in. I literally felt out of my depth. I was lucky and was admitted into hospital in time to get rid of the substances and to get help. I was only in for a few days and seen by numerous people to get the right help. I went to see the university GP and then referred to a counsellor on campus. This was the first time prescribed antidepressants. All I thought about myself is how people at Uni perceived me and saw me as a failure and not coping. I was so ashamed I never wanted my family members to find out.

University was a turbulent experience fuelled by alcohol, self doubt and anxiety.

Mental illness has only recently been talked about because of the rise in cases year on year. Today is world suicide prevention day and I want to help people understand its ok and its not a failure having mental illness and issues. Its society that makes us feel this shame and stigma because people have no understanding what lies beneath.

What lies beneath with me is something thats snowballed over the past 20 years. I have been so used to hiding this and putting a brave face on. People never knew I was struggling inside mentally. As a Personal Trainer I used to feel sick and suffocated with anxiety that I would fight my way through it day by day! Then I got tired and felt physically unwell. I went to my GP and was told I need to go take the antidepressants that I refused to take a year ago when I had a mental break down with stress, anxiety and depression. I refused again as Ive always had really bad side effects and hated the thought of it messing with my emotions. I also think part of me was taking them meant admitting I have a problem and mental illness. During this time I took part in a half Ironman event, which I was no way prepared for along with feeling exhausted from over working and training to block out the feelings I had.

The day I took part and entered the sea for a swim I cried half way because my body wasn’t feeling strong and I was drained. I realise now that I was not looking after myself and suffered the depths of my Anorexia to cope with how I felt. I tried to carb load however I had this voice telling me its enough and I will gain weight considering I was taking part in a gruelling endurance event. I remember obsessing over calories and not being over because of the feeling of gaining weight was too much. Going back to the race I looked around thinking what am I doing and I feel such a failure. I got through in just enough time to get on my bike. However I was not really excited or energised to get through the race. I just wanted it to be over and its a massive mistake. After 56 miles on the bike through the hills of Edinburgh on a blazing hot day. I tried to have a few energy gels and sweets to keep me going, but they was not really feeding me with more energy. Everything felt heavy and fatigued. I finished the bike part and knew I had a half marathon to run after I had to make a decision. Though the decision had already been made, as I didn’t even make the cut off. The shame I felt was unbearable I just broke down in tears.

I tried to get a train the same day as Edinburgh was just a bad memory I’d rather forget. But I couldn’t get my bike on as I had to reserve a place. So returning back to my hotel with my bike and belongings through the city. I could see tourists having fun and enjoying themselves. With me I had massive grey cloud lurking on my shoulders absorbed with failure and despair. I just wanted to cry and sleep so the day was over. I did not want to eat as I was too upset and felt I did not deserve it! I had some chocolate bars on me so i started eating them really feeling bad about myself. I felt guilty and bad about myself so made myself sick in the bathroom. I hated the journey home and knew I had to go to work pretending I am ok.

I have always had this struggle with my self worth and never felt happy with myself and the achievements I have achieved throughout my 34 years of life. Think this is why I have taken so many career paths and achievements through sporting events. Even when i am running my self worth was valued through personal bests. For which my perfectionism has always got the better of me. I would always pick on faults or even make faults in my head that was not really there. I now have realised this devil on my shoulder has always been around. It would pick the right moments when I am really vulnerable.

I am now nearly 9 weeks in of a period being restriction free after many months of relapses and restrictions. I still have this devil on my shoulder and experiencing a lot of anxiety with the negative thoughts. I have been told that the illness is severe and complexed because its all been deep rooted down since my teens. I have been told my treatment for my Eating Disorder is a lot longer than most because of this. Also I will need treatment for my anxiety after my ED treatment as they can not be used in conjunction with each other as it will cause confusion. I have been on anti depressants for almost a year but they do not make it go away, which a lot of people think. As they think its a magical drug that can change everything in our minds. However our brains are clever in remembering things and triggering feelings that are extremely painful. It requires a lot of work and being honest with ourselves. For me having counselling and CBT has been amazing to allow me to break down my thought processes. Also I want to make people feel ok getting this help and speaking to a professional is not scary, but a blessing for entering you on a path way to healing.

However I am slowly getting back into planning my future and to have a phased introduction back to the job I love and I am passionate about. I try and think about how the past year has turned out. I still feel sick thinking about the bad times because it completely took over my life leaving me feel alone, sick, isolated, depressed and suicidal. I lost count of the number of times I was thinking about ending it all to stop feeling this way. I have seen my experience more of a journey of self discovery to make me realise my worth and i am more than what my head wants me to feel.

Even though I have a lot of work to go sorting my issues out. I have been lucky to have support and motivations to help me get through these tough times. My passion for fitness has been a life saver even though I took advantage of this with my anorexia or my anorexia took it as a way of control. I have seen my physical strength again that I worked so hard for last year before this illness properly took its toll. My muscle memory has been incredible to help me realise being fit, healthy and strong is better than being weak and stuck in the depths of my anorexia. It is now changing my mindset and goals into being strong along with being ok with weight gain when I build more strength.

I want people to take more attention to themselves and realise we all deserve a great life. Suffering silently is a painful life and with suicides on the increase with over 6000 reported suicides per year in the UK. We need to look out for one another and look for signs when a person is going through distress, but ask for help if we are experiencing distress too. My next blog piece is about how my job and knowledge in fitness has helped me with fighting this illness.

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