I have realised how our mental and physical state are determined by so many factors. Our brain and Nervous system is an incredible network within ourselves that remembers so much more than we realised.

My experience is through my mental health and how a lot of my issues are so deep rooted since my teens when I first had Anorexia. I had ignored the thoughts and feelings hoping one day they will be erased from my memory. I had many episodes throughout the past 20 years.

I almost killed myself during first year at University by taking anything I could get my hand on in conjunction of many units of alcohol I had taken. I remember feeling suffocated inside with pain because I was ashamed and thought people thought bad things of me because I was different. At the time going through a break up and struggling with university life, work load and a job to keep my funds coming in. I literally felt out of my depth. I was lucky and was admitted into hospital in time to get rid of the substances and to get help. I was only in for a few days and seen by numerous people to get the right help. I went to see the university GP and then referred to a counsellor on campus. This was the first time prescribed antidepressants. All I thought about myself is how people at Uni perceived me and saw me as a failure and not coping. I was so ashamed I never wanted my family members to find out.

Mental illness has only recently been talked about because of the rise in cases year on year. Today is world suicide prevention day and I want to help people understand its ok and its not a failure having mental illness and issues. Its society that makes us feel this shame and stigma because people have no understanding what lies beneath.

What lies beneath with me is something thats snowballed over the past 20 years. I have been so used to hiding this and putting a brave face on. People never knew I was struggling inside mentally. As a Personal Trainer I used to feel sick and suffocated with anxiety that I would fight my way through it day by day! Then I got tired and felt physically unwell. I went to my GP and was told I need to go take the antidepressants that I refused to take a year ago when I had a mental break down with stress, anxiety and depression. I refused again as Ive always had really bad side effects and hated the thought of it messing with my emotions. I also think part of me was taking them meant admitting I have a problem and mental illness. During this time I took part in a half Ironman event, which I was no way prepared for along with feeling exhausted from over working and training to block out the feelings I had.

The day I took part and entered the sea for a swim I cried half way because my body wasn’t feeling strong and I was drained. I realise now that I was not looking after myself and suffered the depths of my Anorexia to cope with how I felt. I tried to carb load however I had this voice telling me its enough and I will gain weight considering I was taking part in a gruelling endurance event. I remember obsessing over calories and not being over because of the feeling of gaining weight was too much. Going back to the race I looked around thinking what am I doing and I feel such a failure. I got through in just enough time to get on my bike. However I was not really excited or energised to get through the race. I just wanted it to be over and its a massive mistake. After 56 miles on the bike through the hills of Edinburgh on a blazing hot day. I tried to have a few energy gels and sweets to keep me going, but they was not really feeding me with more energy. Everything felt heavy and fatigued. I finished the bike part and knew I had a half marathon to run after I had to make a decision. Though the decision had already been made, as I didn’t even make the cut off. The shame I felt was unbearable I just broke down in tears.

I tried to get a train the same day as Edinburgh was just a bad memory I’d rather forget. But I couldn’t get my bike on as I had to reserve a place. So returning back to my hotel with my bike and belongings through the city. I could see tourists having fun and enjoying themselves. With me I had massive grey cloud lurking on my shoulders absorbed with failure and despair. I just wanted to cry and sleep so the day was over. I did not want to eat as I was too upset and felt I did not deserve it! I had some chocolate bars on me so i started eating them really feeling bad about myself. I felt guilty and bad about myself so made myself sick in the bathroom. I hated the journey home and knew I had to go to work pretending I am ok.

I have always had this struggle with my self worth and never felt happy with myself and the achievements I have achieved throughout my 34 years of life. Think this is why I have taken so many career paths and achievements through sporting events. Even when i am running my self worth was valued through personal bests. For which my perfectionism has always got the better of me. I would always pick on faults or even make faults in my head that was not really there. I now have realised this devil on my shoulder has always been around. It would pick the right moments when I am really vulnerable.

I am now nearly 9 weeks in of a period being restriction free after many months of relapses and restrictions. I still have this devil on my shoulder and experiencing a lot of anxiety with the negative thoughts. I have been told that the illness is severe and complexed because its all been deep rooted down since my teens. I have been told my treatment for my Eating Disorder is a lot longer than most because of this. Also I will need treatment for my anxiety after my ED treatment as they can not be used in conjunction with each other as it will cause confusion. I have been on anti depressants for almost a year but they do not make it go away, which a lot of people think. As they think its a magical drug that can change everything in our minds. However our brains are clever in remembering things and triggering feelings that are extremely painful. It requires a lot of work and being honest with ourselves. For me having counselling and CBT has been amazing to allow me to break down my thought processes. Also I want to make people feel ok getting this help and speaking to a professional is not scary, but a blessing for entering you on a path way to healing.

However I am slowly getting back into planning my future and to have a phased introduction back to the job I love and I am passionate about. I try and think about how the past year has turned out. I still feel sick thinking about the bad times because it completely took over my life leaving me feel alone, sick, isolated, depressed and suicidal. I lost count of the number of times I was thinking about ending it all to stop feeling this way. I have seen my experience more of a journey of self discovery to make me realise my worth and i am more than what my head wants me to feel.

Even though I have a lot of work to go sorting my issues out. I have been lucky to have support and motivations to help me get through these tough times. My passion for fitness has been a life saver even though I took advantage of this with my anorexia or my anorexia took it as a way of control. I have seen my physical strength again that I worked so hard for last year before this illness properly took its toll. My muscle memory has been incredible to help me realise being fit, healthy and strong is better than being weak and stuck in the depths of my anorexia. It is now changing my mindset and goals into being strong along with being ok with weight gain when I build more strength.

I want people to take more attention to themselves and realise we all deserve a great life. Suffering silently is a painful life and with suicides on the increase with over 6000 reported suicides per year in the UK. We need to look out for one another and look for signs when a person is going through distress, but ask for help if we are experiencing distress too. My next blog piece is about how my job and knowledge in fitness has helped me with fighting this illness.