Some people are probably wondering how can a personal trainer have Anorexia? I am here to tell the story. And to show how powerful this illness is and how its now left me with some long term damage this time round. My first experience was during my teens and its only recently I have felt comfortable talking about this often misunderstood illness. As peoples awareness about this illness appears still to be very sketchy. I am now strong enough to remove this stigma along with making people more aware and most importantly to help others going through this deadly beast of an illness. I thought I was immune to it ever coming back, however her torment lives on today within me, as I am now in week 3 of my recovery. For which I have learnt it is going to be more of marathon, as I am faced with long term health conditions that involves nerve damage and severe muscle weakness. Not the ideal thing for a Personal Trainer to be going through, but I have made use of the other tools that god gave me to write and talk about this.

And I am blessed today as I am still living to tell my story. As 17 days ago I was a different person in a very bad way.  As from the months of exercise either running or walking 10km each day and calories down to barely 300kcal during the last few weeks pre recovery. I saw a friend for coffee and even that was a challenge, as I just felt sick and weak. Part of me was thinking I’m not going make it a week if I don’t change the way I am. My friend is not local and only spent an hour with her for and it’s rare I see her. I just felt sad because we had so many lovely memories. When I got home I knew I had to decide for intervention or to gain control myself. I took the hardest decision of my life so far and to fight back with me having full control.

That night I had a dream, for which had a healthier version of me back at work as a Personal Trainer at PureGym. I woke up a completely different person and the feeling I associate this with is when you wake up on Christmas Day morning and smiled for the first time in months. As I knew fighting this illness is going to get me back as I had forgotten who I was. I see the realisation as a jigsaw, as throughout my low point of the illness I was slowly fixing things in my life. And I reconnected with old memories, I listened to music of the past to relight my memories. I started to bring out old clothes that reminded me when I was happy. I looked on facebook photos. Meeting up with an old friend and a dream about work made me realised I don’t want to be this Anorexia. I want to be Amy! Who is a daughter, sister, friends to many, Personal Trainer and Yoga Teacher.

I am currently having treatment twice a week with an Eating Disorder Specialist Team, as an outpatient this time. Its been two months now having this treatment with Navigo, who have been amazing and I have amazing support throughout this whole journey they gave me full control, for which they did not interfer. Even when I have been threatened with inpatient care a few times because of my weight and health risks they did everything they could to get me to the stage I am today. And that was me being in control and having the empowerment of actually combatting the illness myself without intervention. To me it has brought me back who I am and a made me a much stronger person. As the first time round I needed intervention and I did not have this control, for which sadly was the issue why it has made its return this time round. As I made the decision to get help myself with my GP after a long realisation and being advised from another counsellor my eating disorder is back and is taking control. I went to the GP on the day of my dads anniversary in early December, for which was emotional in itself. However I saw it as a sign from him to get me better. The GP said my counsellor had every right to refer me for specialist help as I was at risk with my BMI. It was the bravest and best step I have ever made. As I know to this day would be still suffering and I really don’t want to think about where I would be now without this treatment. After exercising everyday I was putting my heart at risk for heart failure, as my body was also using heart muscle to burn as energy. Due to my very low essential fat, muscle was my only source. As a PT I also know it is my low body fat and muscle wasting that has caused damage to my nerves. But this is still pending with many tests and scans.

These are just some of the health consequences, there are a lot more. And I am now facing some long term damage as a result of this illness.

But today, as much as I want to sit at home dwelling on my health complications, not being able to work and not having a normal life. I have realised how recovery brings so much more meaning to life and you see you have more purpose. The anorexia still torments me, but feel I now have the tools and tactics to deal with her, for which I am getting stronger day by day. Having food inside me has given me the energy to now fight. As you deprive you brain of energy to actually function, so you feel more depressed and anxious. I see this battle as one big football game, which is your team against the anorexia. For your team you need it to be strong physically and mentally through nutrition and motivation, along with training, tactics to have the ability to beat the opposing team and in this case it is the Anorexia. She may score a few goals on the way, but as long as my team has possession of the ball and scoring more goals I am winning!

I am using this article to highlight the developments of treatment for this illness. Also to highlight how this illness can spiral if not treated and nipped in the bud quickly. I am now paying the price to my health, career, finances and relationships. However I am having a positive time in recovery. For which I am posting more about as these blogs develop. I am blessed to talk, write and use my brain. For which now as I have said before I am going to use the tools that I was left with to my advantage and to make something positive out of this journey through this Anorexia recovery.

I am grateful the illness has given me new passions and avenues. For which I have posted out on social media about my illness. It was very brave of me, but I felt like I had a dirty little secret for so long through this stigma, but also see it as the Anorexia not wanting me to talk about it. As she likes to make you feel ashamed of yourself and she does not like people knowing as its less people falling into her trap. She doesn’t like any awareness or anyone to help people. I feel her presence is weak when I write, as the more I write out here is releasing and killing the beast. So my dream is the more awareness I can give the more I am winning, but helping people out there to reach out along with getting people to realise the reality of this illness we all can join forces and fight together.

 

If people catch this illness in the early stages sooner they also have more chance of a quicker recovery. In my circumstances I have been told not to even look too far ahead in the future due to the amount of weight gain, rehab, strength and fitness training. However last week I discovered I have foot drop which is due to nerve damage in my nerves so lost sensation in my foot as a result. This still being investigated at the moment so I have numerous appointments to attend alongside my treatment for Anorexia. I am seeing my foot as a battle wound and a reminder now to beat this illness. I am appreciating my tenacity and determination to not be defeated. And that I will return to my passion of Personal Training, for which I miss every day.

Ive only been doing my Personal training business for a year and only got started a few months teaching Yoga. I had to take sick leave off from December with Depression and Anxiety. At this stage I was in semi denial about having an eating disorder. I knew my eating was not on its usual calories to maintain and I started to get more obsessed with the feeling of losing weight on the scales. I enjoyed the feeling of weighing myself and felt in control if I kept to set calories and going over will set me in a spiral of anxiety and depression. It was these feelings that the anorexia had control over this time round. And I now take antidepressants to reduce the symptoms of Anxiety and Depression. I am going to talk more about me in the present as I keep blogging.

I am grateful for the advances in treatment as when I had anorexia in my teens it wasn’t fully understood properly. Now with more research the treatment has now improved and more specifically teaching you about the illness, the behaviours and how to cope with this using CBT cognitive behavioural therapy, for which I am having now. Going back to when I was 14 the treatment was just a counsellor along with many trips to the GP. Because the symptoms and signs was still misunderstood.

The counsellor I saw was not even trained in dealing with Eating Disorders. So unfortunately my health declined in a space of a year. My memory of this time is foggy. Which is a clear sign to how this illness consumes your brain 24/7 and takes away your identity along with lack of calories I had to get my brain functioning. I wasn’t me and it was just a constant fight against the anorexia with my family. At the most severe I was eating barely nothing and my dad really was not happy with the outcomes of our local GP. I was down to 5 and half stone at this point and it was my dads actions that I am extremely grateful for today. As himself and my mum took me back to the GP, for which he then took more seriously and said I need to be admitted in straight away to hospital.  Because Anorexia took over completely and I was in the denial stage so my memories are a few and far between. I remember sobbing that evening as I was really scared about what they will do to me in hospital.

I was in hospital for many weeks with my weight still plummeting. I remember them threatening with Nastro Gastric tube feeding otherwise I would die. As my body was severely damaged and all my vital organs where failing as a result. I did not want this to happen so remember trying to eat through the pain of the anorexia. I was in the adolescent ward of Grimsby hospital for many weeks. The help I was getting there was very sparse. All I can remember is seeing a nutrionalist and a counsellor briefly, but not frequently. However after a few weeks they managed to find a specialist unit that deals with Eating Disorders and other Mental Health Illnesses. This was based away in York, for which I had to be away from my family and friends. I was very nervous and remember being upset because It was the first time out of 14 years I was away from my mum and dad. After a few tests and examinations they explained how the treatment would work and what it consists of. Because I was at a severely low weight they said I needed to be on total bed rest for 3 weeks in my own room. I remember just lying in bed watching tv day in and day out. It was very repetitive.

They brought all my meals over for me at set times. I would always have someone sitting outside my door with the door open. This was the case 24/7 throughout those weeks. I just accepted this and as a child I was probably more resilient, for which I accepted that there was no other way. I was getting really homesick after being in hospital and then being taken somewhere that is 70 miles away from home. I knew to get home I had no other choice, but to accept this and just eat.

After my stint of bed rest I was at the next treatment phase, this was to be more mobile and eat with everyone else at the unit with supervision along with being watched an hour after just in case we wanted to vomit the food back up in the toilet. They introduced some studies so I can have normality as I was in the final years of school at this point. For which I was missing out on the crucial years of school in preparation for my GCSE’s. I was given incentives to reach goal weights weekly, either some time off the premises and weekends at home. All I knew this was the only way to get better. The treatment was thorough to the extent I saw a counsellor and other therapists a few times through the week. For which became less frequent when the voice of anorexia was weakened and weight gained. I was given a target weight and was told I need to sustain this first before they consider outpatient treatment to visit every week. I remember I was there for a duration of 8 months. I am still grateful for this treatment as I had some amazing 19 years of my life. After working in travel for many years and now working in Fitness. But little did I know I would see it return. But I am kinda pleased I’m experiencing it this time round as I can see it from an adult perspective and I am gaining more strength from experiencing all this. Along with more knowledge to help my career in Personal Training and Yoga. I have reconnected with myself and friends. Along with realising I have more worth than this illness and a lot to fight for. I can not thank my family, friends and online support that are keeping me strong but also acting as an army of people to fight this beast in a hell of a battle.

I Keep saying I’ve been given this journey for a reason and going to make the most of everything this Journey throws at me.

Next article I am posting will be about the symptoms and signs alongside some of my experience. Also highlighting how to spot these in all the other Eating Disorders. So it will be a great blog to get your understanding about Eating Disorders and Anorexia. So you can also spot these signs and have better understanding. Please feel free to comment and share. Along with signing up for my newsletter for regular alerts for when ever I upload my next instalment.

Thank you for your time reading. It was so good for me getting this out on the blog. As it really quietens the Anorexia’s voice. In the process making a positive impact to other people and just getting this awareness out there!

You can also follow more of my Journey on my Facebook page

https://www.facebook.com/amylnorton85/