This is going to be a bit of an eye opener for many people especially to how Eating Disorders can manifest within people. As a Personal Trainer who has this evil monster of Anorexia. Eating Disorders are the most powerful and destroying Mental Health Illnesses around. Some people see the physical aspect, but do not see that it is a Mental Health condition. Some people just see it as a Mental Health illness, where as in fact it effects both. In my experience I can tell you the damaging effects both short term and now the long term damage I now face. Its not only damaged myself health wise, but my career, finances and my relationships.
I feel it is my duty to be going through this journey of recovery to really make use of what I still have left and thats my voice, my ability to write, type and to listen. I feel the Anorexia is trying her best to steal everything from me, because she has taken away a life that I used to enjoy. This time last year I was starting up as a Personal Trainer and being one of the most successful PT’s they have seen to start up quickly with a great client base. PureGym was praising me that they have never seen this happen to a Personal Trainer before. And that was to get the an impressive client base in such as short space of time. It never crossed my thoughts that a year later I would be writing a blog about my Journey of recovering and experiencing the evil traits and health effects of anorexia.
Even though its been on my thoughts throughout the 19 years after my first episode that she may come back to haunt me one day. I am however accepting this in a positive way and that experiencing this the second time round especially in my adult hood has given me a way to see what the illness is all about and my god did I experience this the hard way. As in my teens I spent most the time in denial and rebelling alongside numerous arguments with the family as I was in denial and the treatment I got was nothing like today, as explained in my previous blog. However now I Have a better understanding of this illness and as a Personal trainer I learnt about Eating Disorders, but it was only a brief 3 pages in my course workbook. It did not really cover the illnesses in enormous detail. And now I am grateful I can spread awareness around the gyms and use it to my advantage in my profession, but hopefully leading me onto other avenues. I feel I have been given this journey for a reason even though the consequences I have been left with regards to my long term health dont look great I am using to really get the message out there. I am also blessed I have the tenacity and determination in me to make this happen.
It is now I have realised how much food was a way of coping with my thoughts and feelings. Throughout my 19 years after having Anorexia for the first time, I would have times of binge eating or restricting calories to lose a bit of weight. For example during my times abroad I would use it as a way to comfort my stress, as it was not always about drinking and partying. I did actually have times missing home and having a tough workload alongside long working hours to contend with. I remember evenings buying huge bars of chocolate or Milka chocolate, as my go to bar when I felt anxious or stressed. I would devour this in one sitting alongside crisps, sweets and fizzy drinks with caffeine to keep me going. I lived on fast food and All inclusive food at the hotels I used to work. So my plate used to be filled to the high heaven. I think a lot of my repping friends can understand this? But I remember during my ski repping years in 2012 till 2015 I advanced my career to Ski Rep Supervisor and Ski Resort Manager. I spent a lot of the time in front of the computer perfecting and obsessing over high results. I used food as a way to comfort myself when I felt stressed and to make me feel good. I used to feel really bad afterwards for the amount of unhealthy food eaten. Airport days I used to snack on anything I could get my hands on as it was always super busy. Then as soon as airport day came to an end I would really start hitting convenient snacks in huge proportions to keep me fuelled. I knew that my weight was increasing as each season went on. It wasn’t until 2015 during my stint working in Italy on Lake Garda that I started to run to lose weight and tone up ready for my career working onboard a cruise ship a few months later. This is also where I had my love for fitness and new found love of running.
Running was something I improved on rapidly throughout this time working in Lake Garda and began having a passion, as it brought out my competitive side thats always been within me. Along with a buzz seeing myself improve over time along with getting faster and running further. There was this voice telling me to improve my times constantly and I’m not running far enough or my pace is too slow. Its not until now see how my perfectionist trait kicked in here and that inner voice was not me. This is also common trait of someone who experiences Anorexia. I applied for half marathons and marathons in a matter of months for when I returned from my season working on the cruise ship. I remember getting obsessed with figures on running apps and feeling down hearted if I didn’t meet a time or run a set distance. I also started to eat healthier, but still enjoyed having a drink back then, Ice cream and chocolate or cream filled brioches. However I also had a mindset that I would run to burn of the calories that I had consumed. Or I am able to have a treat as I have been out on a run.
During my time working onboard Princess Cruises, I still wanted to carry my love for running. However the only food available was eating the indulgent foods that was eaten by the passengers. I used to have a feeling of guilt eating the 3 course meals and the many indulgent desserts. However it was during this time I didn’t really drink, as I wanted to improve my running and working 7 days a week a hangover to me is a nightmare. The hours involved a lot of early mornings and turning 30 at the time I started to suffer with hangovers more frequently. I used to spend time in the gym, running ashore or on the ship instead of socialising, which also is another trait of Anorexia, as it takes up your time isolating yourself from others. However I only spent a couple of months onboard the cruise ship to then head back home. After I received a phone call that my dad was poorly with Bowel Cancer. This news really upset me and being miles away in the middle of the Pacific Ocean it was heart breaking, for which I did not really want to eat for days. As I had to wait till we docked in Los Angeles to then get a flight home to be with my dad and family. I remember sobbing all the way home on the flight. I am happy I was sat next to a really understanding mum with a toddler. She was going to London for a holiday and we talked about my travels, especially, how much I love travelling especially the USA.
During the winter of 2015/16 I still kept running as I could see a difference in my fitness and weight loss. It was during this time I went into a gym with exception of the gym on the cruise ship. The gym I went to was funny enough the gym I work at today AT PureGym. I have always found the gym my happy place because its were i saw myself get fitter stronger and learnt more about fitness. I used it to relieve any stress, sadness and anxiety during a hard part of my life from going through my dads illness along side dealing with grief. So I understand when my clients who are going through rough patches feel. But this is a positive thing that I can not thank enough the Gym giving me along side my career working as a PT there. I was working as a waitress part time at Pizza Hut during the time my father was poorly going through chemo and having numerous hospital visits. I used to be commented on how the food I ate was healthy and I began to look after my diet more during this stage. If I ate pizza or anything that was a mistake I would still eat it. As in the back of my head I did not feel guilt as I knew I would be burning those calories off at the gym.
I used to go to the gym at least 5 to 6 times a day along with outdoor running. For which I started to run long distances, but I had a lot of enjoyment from the running. As the achievement of running further each time gave me a massive buzz. I loved the feeling of endorphins, but also secretly liked the feeling of burning calories. And used to check on my phone or Fitbit back then the amount of calories and steps I had done. And knew I could treat myself to a bit of cake or chocolate knowing that I cranked up the miles and burnt a lot of calories. I would also check the calories burnt on my run and if it wasn’t enough or I had a binge I would run further to stop any anxiety about what I have eaten. However I now know as a PT this was not a healthy way to eat and fuel up. However I now know that the mindset thats within me stems from many years. It just goes to show you dont have to have a very low BMI to have these behaviours and traits within you. I am now looking into promoting better awareness of this in Gyms and Course providers. As little do PT’s know of the background of the members and with these set traits it can be easy to fall into an Eating Disorder trap. People also do not realise this can happen a lot in athletes. For example I used my performance as a way to get leaner and the voice was always telling me I need to do better. There’s a lot in the media also about GP’s mis diagnosing Eating Disorders i.e BMI is not low enough to fall in the category. The first GP I saw told me that I do not need to lose any weight! So I requested to see another GP. I will be talking more about this in the 2nd part of this instalment.
My Fitness Pal was used on and off between seasons during the last few years of repping, however this was more prominent during this time I came back to the UK after my Cruise ship job. It used to predict how many calories I needed to lose weight and to lose 2 pounds a week I would need to eat little as 1200. For which as a PT it did not really help in terms of increasing metabolic rate and it was only based on an average of activity burning calories. I used to use it in my training for endurance in a healthy way to ensure I was eating enough to fuel my long runs even though before my PT career it was not the correct fuel and used running to burn off excessive calories. However the tracking and recording became part of my life. For which a year later I invested in a Garmin watch as I wanted to improve fitness and it would give me lots of statistics for which I fed on and was the driving force behind me. This is how I would describe the Anorexia, she was the influence of my every action and every bite I took. I used My fitness pal to make sure I would never go over the amount it was telling me and then looking at my garmin numerous times through out the day to see how much I burnt. I used to get a buzz knowing I am not gaining weight or body fat along with losing more body fat. It wasn’t until over a year ago I used to be obsessed with how much of a deficit I would get down to and constantly striving to improve my VO2 max because the result I got from the previous run was not good enough. I was getting my VO2 max to superior level before the illness proper took its toll on my health and mental health.
I thought the behaviours I had was normal, as I used clean eating as a way to increase my performance but also to get my body fat low. As I began to measure body fat religiously throughout June and November last year. Either on my scales that also measured this or using a skin fold calliper technique. This was during the time I trained for a Trifecta Spartan event with 3 obstacle races over a weekend. My strength work was coming along more and began to really show some lean muscle. However week by week I wanted to gain more strength and kept competing against myself to get better, as I always had this voice that said I wasn’t good enough. I now know a lot about this voice and she’s now not welcome in my life for what she has destroyed. However I am pleased I have come across her because I can share with you my story and make something positive out of the experience. I was also qualifying as a Yoga teacher from July 2018 till November 2018. I was busy with training, training clients, writing programs and studying for this course. I now know that this was also a trait of the Eating disorder saying I am not good enough and constantly trying to prove myself. However with each achievement whether it was from completing a marathon, Spartan or qualifying as a PT or Yoga Teacher. I never felt satisfied with these achievements. And always had an inner voice saying I’m not good enough. When I started my role of a Personal Trainer at the start of 2018 I had anxiety diagnosed and had in my head that I was an imposter and my clients think I am rubbish at my job. Little did I know it would spiral into being controlled by anorexia, as I used to get anxious if I over ate the amount of calories or did not do enough exercise or having a bad run and not pushing myself. I felt to control this i had to be very consistent with tracking to keep it under wraps.
After my Spartan race in October 2018 along with travelling every weekend to finish my Yoga course. I noticed my mood and tiredness becoming much stronger, for which rapidly took its toll on me professionally and personally. I was showing signs of irritability, anger, frustration and depression. I was tired to the point I slept as soon as I got back home from Personal Training and did not find any enjoyment out of the things I loved. I was cutting down on eating as a way to cope with this feeling. As I had this inner voice telling me what I can have and not have to eat to the point i felt little energy to carry out my Personal training. I had this horrible feeling of anxiety if I did not do as the inner voice says, I would feel intense guilt to the point of tears. I also felt like this if the result on the scales went up or maintained. When i weighed myself it changed from body fat percentage to physical weight. As distortion kicked in as I pictured myself bigger even when I had the lean muscle. The way I got sucked into regular weigh ins was the feeling of euphoria that the illness made me believe was good with every pound lost, I wanted more of the feeling like it was a drug to me. I was forgetting about the Personal Trainer in me and I knew what I was doing wasn’t right, but was unsure wether this was the anorexia I had in my teens. I didn’t want to admit this to myself for a while, but now I realise this was the anorexia as it doesn’t like us to recognise what its doing is wrong and to get help for it. Towards the end of November 2018 I was unable to work, as I was in a very low and tired state. I went to the GP first, as I told her about my mood and anxiety. She prescribed me antidepressants, as I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. This was the same GP I told about me wanting to lose weight and not taking any consideration to my medical history of Anorexia and saying I did not need to lose any weight! I was still unsure wether I was having symptoms of Anorexia. But reading through this blog it becomes clear that the traits and behaviours have existed along time with myself.
It wasn’t until I saw a counsellor that I began to realise that something wasn’t right as felt I had two voices fighting against each other. This was the indecisiveness coming in about making the step of seeking help for anorexia. The personal trainer within me was clearly fighting for me to not get over ruled by anorexia. This was when I made the bravest step to seek proper help for my Eating Disorder as much as I didn’t want to get better. I thank my Personal Trainer in me and the voice that wanted to seek help to get better and to return to my job that I was truely passionate about.
I am grateful to this day I seeked this help and I’m in recovery now. However the anorexia did take its toll as I had to go through the worst stages of the illness to see light at the other side. I am now just constantly dealing with her voice dictating my eating habits, shes there every time I decide what to eat. During and after meals. She tells me I do not need to gain weight constantly, but I have the right coping tools and support to really fight against her. I will be telling more about the dark times she gave me in the next instalment.
In the Nitty Gritty Part 2, which will be out in the next 24 hours. I will be talking more about behaviours and symptoms of Eating disorders along with my personal experience. As you may have gathered Eating Disorders can exist in someone for a very long time without showing any physical signs. If people nipped it in the bud during these denial stages, it will save a lot of people. And I will be going into depth about the severity of these Mental Health illnesses. I am now paying a hefty price to my health because I damaged my body through other means that the illness was making me do during my last few months before my recovery 3 weeks ago occurred. However I want to show how how this illness can unfold and show sheer strength even on someone who is trained in the fitness industry.
Please share and spread this awareness. It is Eating Disorder Awareness Week this week, so has great meaning to share my story. Thank you for reading and don’t forget you can sign up for newsletters whenever I upload a new blog.
Achieve With Amy 