I grew a love and bond with her and started believe that getting better wont be as good as the feeling she was giving me with the weight loss, restricting calories, laxative abuse, diet pills and exercise. This Inner Voice is one of the most powerful and controlling voices you can ever imagine, For which Eating Disorders are the most strongest mental health illnesses.

I am blessed to this day to share my story. As the more I talk about this reaching out to more people the Anorexia within me is not winning. Many people ask me how you would describe the illness. In my rough times of extreme exercise consisting of 10km runs and walks everyday. To then reducing my calories to barely nothing reaching 300kcal in my last days before recovery. It was following this inner voice that became stronger each day that I really struggled to identify myself or the Anorexia. I grew an attachment and felt I was under its spell constantly, for which it was dictating my every action. Telling me no one cares and theres no point getting better. Also thinking if I get better I would have to cope with enormous amount of anxiety and depression.

As your reading you have probably realise I refer to she a lot. As she is the demon that destroyed everything that provided me with a life. As I am a Personal Trainer I rely on being physically fit, along with not able to train and also financially I have nothing. I am now faced with some long term or permanent health problems, as I have nerve damage, which is now something else to add to my list. She has interfered and been nasty towards friends and family, so disrupting my relationships. She thinks shes stripped away everything that makes me who I am, however she didn’t see coming me back to fight. Like a Phoenix raising from the flames I made this decision to break this spell once and for all. As mentioned in my previous blogs. I am now doing everything possible to slay the beast, with my army of people supporting me. With the tactics and weapons to really make my army the strongest in this battle.

During the rough period or the lowest point of my life she really had me under her spell making me grow a relationship with her to the point I felt happy that I was doing everything she was saying and feeling reassured. This connection I would describe is a victim falling for the kidnapper in Stockholm Syndrome. As the longer your kidnapped you grow a deep love or affection to the kidnapper as you are isolated from the outside world. In this case the Kidnapper is the Anorexia. I was hostage to her for quite a long time and it was other people that helped me break free from her spell. In this case I reached out for help, as a hostage I got the help to capture the kidnapper for which is now in prison. I am now suffering from the after effects of the kidnapping for which mentally I have the scars and physically have the wounds. Now over 3 weeks I am now in recovery and how I would describe it is we are both in the courtroom together, for which she is twisting the tale and playing mind games with me. The thing about Anorexia is that she has a charm for luring people on to her side and this is what goes on in my head 24/7. With the jury being my head it’s constantly being indecisive. She still has her power of persuasion thinking she can win the Jury, however I have a stronger case and a queue of witnesses to back me up, for which all now have my back. Especially those who have witnessed me going through these rough times along with people who I have met throughout my life.

Carrying from the timeline of my previous blog in Nitty Gritty Part 1. During the end of November I was becoming more attached to her, but I had some fight left in me at this stage. I was weighing myself religiously at set times during the day. For example early morning after waking I would weigh myself and this would dictate my mood for the day. I had numerous occasions where I would sit on the bathroom floor having a panic attack in tears because the weight is the same or showed even the slightest gain. She was telling me that I am a failure and that I am fat. I felt worthless, so to avoid this feeling I tried other methods to lose weight so that I can avoid this heart wrenching feeling of panic and despair. I would check myself after a run if the weight had dropped even the slightest gave me reassurance and lifted my mood slightly.

During this time I started using Laxatives, firstly I was having issues because of the lack of food in my body with constipation. Ok, I can not really sugar coat this in anyway. But I am really going to highlight the extreme dangers and the fact it does nothing in terms of weight loss. I started taking a regular dose first and then before I knew it week by week the dose was increasing due to dependence and my body needed more as the regular dose stopped working. This ended up that in the end I was taking up to 8 a day during my last few weeks before my recovery. She was telling me I would be lighter and made me feel euphoric knowing that I am empty and the result on the scales would be lighter. However as a Personal trainer I know it is just from all the waste and water going down the pan not food. As our bodies digest food through the small intestine first, for which breaks down all the fats, protein and carbohydrates for which anything left over moves through the large intestine as stool. Laxatives only effect the large intestine and all I was doing was damage to my body. There was a small voice in me making me feel guilty and bad for taking them. However I was addicted because she was making me feel good with the feeling of emptying my body appearing to be lighter on the scales. I gradually weened myself of the laxatives with the help of the Treatment team I am currently receiving counselling from.

When I wanted to make the change to recover 3 weeks ago I just went cold turkey and thankful every day that they haven’t caused any damage. As they have massive risks to nerve damage in the colon, cancer risks and constant pain with constipation. Sorry for the lovely details, but people need to understand that Laxative abuse is unpleasant, for example you do not feel great from the effects. I was in constant pain and discomfort, along with emergency toilet visits. I felt ashamed and embarrassed purchasing these. I suffer badly with IBS and in the back of my head I did think about the risks to making my IBS worse. However the power of her spell overruled this rational part of me who has the knowledge of the body and its functions. There needs to be more education to people selling these along with reducing the size of the packets. I really don’t know why they sell these in packs of 60? Surely if you have a problem to get this size you need to see a GP? Anyway so proud of myself to get myself away from this addiction. I had issues with my electrolyte balance that also has consequences on my heart. Because of the lack of nutrition it was getting to the point I was having many warnings of being treated in hospital. Also my exercise was not helping this situation and they was really worried about the high risks I was putting on my health.

My running became a chore, for which i felt i had no say in the matter, but to be the puppet on a string. If I did not run or walk to burn calories I would have an intense feeling of anxiety and hate myself. To the point I was only allowed to eat if I had been outside to burn fat and calories. In my case it was burning away muscle and all my essential fat reserves for my body to function was fully depleted. I was running on endorphins, guilt, shame and anxiety. I was burning set calories each day. In November it started 400kcal and then it rapidly took over to over 800kcal to the point I was running and walking 10km everyday until my first week of recovery. My Garmin and My Fitness Pal was in charge of what calories went in and out of my body. I would walk instead of getting any public transport. I remember days were I would feel my legs giving in and feeling faint. But the inner voice told me I will be ok and to keep going. Again my relationship with Anorexia at this stage was very strong. I would use going to the supermarket as my excuse for which I would walk a total of 10km to just wander around the supermarket to look at foods and smell food. My obsession was walking past the bakery and smelling freshly baked bread as it was months that I had never eaten any bread. I had a feeling of an achievement within me that I resisted this temptation. But this was her making me feel this is good, when in fact it was pure torture. I would just buy vegetables, low calorie snacks and lots of different drinks. I remember having a thing for different flavours of low calorie drinks to make me feel I am consuming something different. Drinking allowed me to feel full and filled a gap. Talking about filling a gap I also used to prepare my meals ( mainly veg!) so that it passes time so that I did not feel hunger.

I was also using diet pills mainly involving huge amounts of caffeine used mainly by bodybuilders to cut fat for events. I was using these as they also halted any hunger along with giving me a perk to get me through the day or the exercise. With the pills, laxative abuse and exercise I was doing the 3 worst behaviours of Anorexia, but also I had certain Bulimia behaviours due to the ‘purging’ aspect of laxatives and exercise used after binging. For which I used running in my earlier years to run off calories after a binge. During my last 2 weeks before my decision to recover. I was told by my treatment team at Navigo that I need to stop exercise otherwise I will run myself the dangers of having heart failure due to the heavy impact on my heart. As my heart was damaged due to the fact my body was burning muscle for fuel, my heart was effected too. I had intense feelings of dizziness, lightheadedness, weakness, palpitations and feeling sick. The powerful feeling I had with her was super strong to the point I did not know who I was and my love or relationship was with the Anorexia. I had no will left in me I was having intense feelings of depression and anxiety. I was experiencing numbness, pins and needles in my hands and feet, feeling cold to the point I had to wear 3 pairs of Pjs and a dressing gown in bed to keep warm. Along with the fire on with hot baths after I have been outside to warm myself. Otherwise I know it will take a while to get my temperature. My hands and feet was always cold due to circulatory issues and still suffer with it today due to my low body weight and low blood pressure.

As my body is starved it did slow everything down to conserve the limited energy that is available. For instance my heart was beating more slowly, to protect its weakened muscle, which is why I had many warnings. I had many disruptions to my hormones for which contributes to intense moodiness, anxiety and depression alongside my blood sugar being low. My brain wasn’t given enough energy to function making these intense feelings unstoppable and even harder to break free from her. I hadn’t menstruated in months as the energy my body was getting and still is was given to my vital organs to survive. My body was in full blown survival mode for months and my metabolism suffered due to all these effects. This meaning it was taking longer to lose weight and my body basically was slowing down every function in every system in my body.

I had points when I was getting up checking I was still alive because I still had part of me feeling worried about my health and wanting me to be alive. I would wake up in a state of panic along with waking up early due to lack of food within me. I was very sleep deprived so another reason why I was addicted to caffeine.

I could see my family being upset, but they did not want to interfere as I was an adult and my wishes was for me to beat this myself this time round. I remember telling mum ‘I hate feeling like this, but I can’t get out because I don’t want to cope with even more intense feelings when I’m putting weight on’. This however was her in my head constantly. I am so grateful I had the wake up call to get out and fight back against her. Similar to a break up from a long relationship. My relationship is Anorexia, as painful it is every day I showed my true strength when I was at my weakest and fought back. I realised it was talking about her more that helped me unshackle each chain, as she had me as her hostage. Talking to my friend 3 weeks ago was the key to unlock this chain and to allow me to be free. It wasn’t until I reached out more that her voice was weakened and I gained more strength. It is going to be a long journey but I have seen how my life has a future in this beautiful world and I knew I did not have long left if I carried on further, which is scary. I don’t even think I will be writing this today.

Eating disorders are often misunderstood as they are very complex and no person suffering them has the same symptoms. Bulimia has its many traits and behaviours that are also misunderstood. I did have some of the behaviours within me but I was not vomiting or binging. Bulimia is as or even more dangerous than anorexia due to the dehydration and internal damage it causes to the stomach and throat from acid. Alongside the electrolyte imbalances and dangers to the heart.

With the Stockholm Syndrome analogy it clearly demonstrates the power of eating disorders. As the phase was given after an incident in stockholm in 1973 with the Norrmalmstorg robbery, for which the hostages sympathised and became emotionally attached to the captors and even defended them after they was freed by the police. This is how I would describe my illness, however I am using every strength to break up from the relationship I had with her, but trying not to defend her. But she keeps pleading for forgiveness, with many distorted thoughts and saying I am a normal weight. I have even had thoughts of missing the illness. In my head saying how much I would miss her and that I will unhappy knowing I have gained weight. She’s a luring and provocative creature that can cast you under its spell rapidly without realising. Before you know it you are reducing calories day by day and increasing the amount of exercise. Your getting weaker so she uses your weakness to get more out of you and controlling you along with isolating yourself. She plays Mind games with you saying no one cares so that she can have you all too her self and you play the victim in this abusive relationship.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norrmalmstorg_robbery

I am thankful I have come to this position to share my experience, as I am now starting week 4 of recovery. The best thing I have ever done, after years of her being disguised in many ways and having hold of me when I showed true weakness. I have realised how I need to fight against her. She does not like to be shared and talked about so I am doing this to make her weaker. But also to really spread the awareness to how cruel Eating Disorders are and they are more common than we think. But the illness is so strong some people do not realise they have these traits and behaviours. As they make you believe your behaviours are normal. So with the past few blogs please share and spread this awareness. I have realised she hasn’t really gone away throughout my life and now I am finally living. Unfortunately I can not do the job I love due to the long term physical damage to my nerves and foot drop. I am still waiting on the news what is wrong with me and the prognosis. I never thought I would cause this much damage, as she made me believe I would be OK. I am now aiming to be healthy and happy, for which I wasn’t for a very long time.

Thank you for reading and hope you found my blog valuable to grow a real understanding of Eating Disorders and has spread this awareness. But also hope I have helped many people to seek help and reach out for support.