Hello!! Long time no speak! Sorry I have been out of touch! A lot of things have been happening and learning that recovery is definitely not linear!

So yesterday I finally received news regarding my Foot Drop, which I am unable to bring my toes up to my shin. Due to issues with the nervous system as its generally a symptom of a neurological problem or condition.

I have had numerous tests done, including a couple of MRI’s some weird nerve tests that involved me getting pricked by needles and given electric shocks. Its been over a month since all these tests were done. And yesterday it was about knowing whats really going on with my nerves? Anyway after waiting for over 30 minutes in Hull Royal Infirmary, which is typical when you are waiting nervously. I was called in to see my neurologist. I was quite surprised when he remembered I am a personal trainer. As he told me I had nerve damage located in my lower leg muscles in the peroneal nerve that branches from the sciatic nerve. I don’t want to bore you with scientific detail. So basically its damaged from the lack of fat and nutrients that occurred over a long duration. I know that last year has some part to play in this from my exercise and trying to make myself perform better along with looking more aesthetically lean by lowing my fat percentage to less than 10%. As a personal trainer I knew the risks however I always had this other voice or devil on my shoulder telling me I will be ok and to keep going.

I became addicted to the loss of body fat each week. This became a drug to me and each time I weighed myself or measure my skin folds I wanted to achieve more, as the devil was telling me its not good enough. I had this false impression I would feel satisfied by losing more each week until there was virtually no fat on my body. Even work colleagues were commenting I was too lean and need to make sure I eat the right nutrition. I had many comments about how lean I was when I went away for the weekends in October to complete my Yoga course. People was asking me about my nutrition and my training. I just thought they was interested but now I realise people was concerned with my behaviour towards nutrition and exercise. I was in denial for a long time. I remember my long marathon runs being used as a main calorie burner, as I used to binge on cakes and chocolate. I used to check the amount of calories burnt after each session on my garmin along with the steps taken that day. I would be driven by the statistics on my garmin without realising this was a problem. This became more apparent after my fathers death. Then I used My Fitness pal to start measuring my food intake. As I realised the binge eating was getting too much to the point I was not losing weight. I was qualifying as a personal trainer at the time and learnt more about nutrition and realised all the high fat sugary foods was playing havoc with insulin levels causing the break down of energy and metabolism not being consistent along with water retention. My eating was changing throughout my training and learning more about nutrition to be able to perform was really paying off. As I took part in many endurance events.

My last endurance event was the Spartan Weekend for which I took part in all 3 races, as I felt 1 not being good enough. I covered over 30 miles of obstacles and mud during the weekend. I remember feeling completely flat when I returned home. The medals I received served me no pride in my achievements. They was just bits of metal to me and people were asking me do I feel proud and I remember saying I really don’t know. I had beaten some of the elites times too, which I should be amazed with. The weekend after this I had my yoga exam. All throughout the week I was suffering badly with Anxiety to the point I was feeling sick whilst Personal Training my clients. With thoughts that gym members were thinking I am not good enough and shouldn’t be a Personal Trainer. I kept this hidden and could feel my heart racing all the time when I was working.

I remember speaking to my manager many times about how nervous I am about the exam and thinking I am going to fail. My anxiety completely ruled my life. During the exam i had to teach a class in 2 half’s. I received amazing feedback during the first half saying i am amazing but remember to chill! Considering I am a yoga teacher learning to chill is difficult funny enough. Though yoga and meditation helped me with this in some aspect. The second half my clients, which are more like friends came up to Birmingham to be part of the assessment. I felt more reassured because I treated it like my job and I knew they wanted me to pass. The feedback was amazing and she said I am a natural Yoga teacher. She said with Yoga this is a quality that is hard to find someone with it naturally within themselves. I remember coming to the relaxation part of the assessment and people completely drifted off and said “wow”. My clients said thats the first time they have felt truly relaxed. I still didn’t believe any of the positive comments.

Two weeks later my mental health really suffered to the point I was tired and cancelling clients and yoga classes. I was really moody and irritated from the smallest things. I was snapping at people and really acting out of character. I knew I wasn’t myself. This is when the GP treated me for anxiety and depression again. She said its been going on long enough and I need counselling as well as the medication this time. I was also told to take a month off work. However I did not take this at first. I gave in and never knew I would be writing this today. As after nearly 8 months off long term sick as I am not able to work until I am at a healthy weight suffering severely with Anorexia, anxiety and depression. Its such a difference to how I was this time last year. When I even pulled up the courage to return to my GP I had an issue with eating and just making it sound like a small issue as I was scared to admit it was the anorexia that was lurking since my teens. I knew the symptoms and realised I was more obsessed with my actual weight, as I stopped weight training and working at this point. My counsellor at the time said I needed to be referred to a specialist. During this time I was thinking I caught it early enough to nip it in the bud. However I found it increasingly difficult day by day. It then consumed me completely from December till February. I remember just completely losing myself thinking no one really cares so which should I. I was grateful to come out of this way of thinking in February but my body weight was really low. As in my previous blogs I really did not feel well and part of me didn’t want to carry on like this and had to decide between 2 choices. I’m glad I chose recovery. Even though I had some dark moments not so long ago. I think you need these dark moments to really see the strength of the light because you are in such a dark place.

However today I have took another turning point in my recovery after a 3 month relapse into restricting. The news I received yesterday was another reason for this sudden wake up call. Also I am not allowed to go back to working as a Personal Trainer until I am sustaining a healthy weight and well enough to work. With the nerve damage the neurologist said theres a possibility it may be permanent as nerves take a lot of time to repair and sometimes over time not able to repair. He said its a waiting game and as I relapsed this may have interfered with this process. But told its crucial now to really eat and focus on trying to gain some movement back in my foot. Last night I had Fish and Chips because its my favourite dinner and treat. I still have anxious thoughts about gaining weight. Its difficult just fighting through these thoughts because I have worry about the feelings and thoughts that will fire back to me as I start putting weight on. However putting things in perspective I can either restrict, not repair my nerves and stop me from ever returning to Personal Training or worse even death. With the nerve damage already its a sign my body really cant take any more and god knows what will happen to me if I didnt step in again this week to really beat this.

Now I have put my boxing gloves on, trained myself to become mentally strong and have strong reasons to fight this!! My health, My Job, My career, My future, My life and My Freedom!!