One thing about my awareness work is that I can see the effect on how people feel more open about their mental health issues. If you told me this time last year I will be making a difference spreading awareness about my Anorexia. I would not believe you and think it’s ludicrous.

I remember throughout the 20 years from the first time I had the illness I was really not the one to share as I felt it was shameful talking about this illness. Now I do not find the word Anorexia difficult to say. I used to tell people I just had an eating problem and just leave it as that. And I only said this to a selected few that I had closeness to.

When I qualified as a personal trainer last year I realised the importance of nutrition in training and I eventually came up with the courage to speak to my manager in confidence that I had suffered from this Eating Disorder. He was not at all shocked, as originally I felt ashamed that I had suffered from this and now working in the fitness industry. He said he appreciated me telling him. However I never thought this monster of an illness was lurking around me waiting for the right moment to attack. I already was tracking my exercise and calories becoming more obsessive with eating ‘clean’ foods at this time.

I found reaching out and talking about this illness difficult throughout the whole 20 years from when I first had the illness. Now I feel it is easy to say exactly how I feel and talk about the symptoms of the illness to people. Having the guts and courage to announce to everyone on facebook was one of the bravest and the best thing I have ever done in my life. As the one thing I was dreading is recovering from the illness and then return back to work with the awkwardness of what to say and vice versa, as people do not know what to say or even understand what the illness is about.

After my announcement on social media in February about my illness I wanted to put it out there to people the strength of this illness. As despite my Personal Training Qualifications it did not make me immune from having this. The fact the illness changes your thought patterns, as it drowns out reality and the knowledge that you have. It only allows you to see tunnel vision, for which what makes me me is not taken into any consideration. For example all my future ambitions, dreams, my outgoing personality, my achievements and successes. These are forgotten about – so my mind is consumed by calories, food, feeling worthless, anxious and tiredness from all these thoughts constantly racing through my mind.

I am really proud of myself for educating others about this illness and coming out about my mental health. The response has been incredible and i feel confident talking to others. Also creating a ripple effect like I explained in previous blogs. As more people feel confident to share about their mental health as they create an impression for the people they share this to. As they see how it’s ok to talk about mental health. Also we are all human we go through similar things and walks of life. There’s so many things in society that are taboo and not talked about mainly because of the labels that society places on people. Or things that are too disgusting to talk about, for example when women talk about periods. People usually respond feeling disgusted and that it should never be talked about. However this is a function most women go through? Anyway my point is 1 in 4 people experience mental health issues in their lifetime. You never know when you will be effected or wether a close family member experiences this.

I am really passionate about getting everyone to talk about mental health, as talking to people about my Anorexia was an incredible coping tool. As sharing about the illness and how I am feeling allows it to be freed away from my mind. But also people are learning about what the illness is about. So they can also spot the signs and traits too. I am going to write down some tips on how to reach out to people along with what not to say to someone with Mental Illness.

Reach out to someone you are comfortable with. I remember reaching out to a family member who I was comfortable with first after my diagnosis of the illness.

Tell them to speak to family and friends. Everyone is different to how they want people to know about the illness. I found it easier telling my closest family members and then they told other family members for me so I am not repeating myself and having to keep telling my diagnosis to people. I only reached out to two close friends when I was having a rough time at work and when I had the diagnosis. They was understanding and gave me space to digest the news. They just listened to how I was feeling without trying to fix my problems or being judgemental.

Explain what you want in terms of support. I learnt just telling someone straight what you want is key. As it is your illness and peace of mind at the end of the day. I found certain people tried to offer advice instead of actually listening. I used to find this frustrating, so what I did I told them direct what I needed. As sometimes you may not need to be contacted constantly especially with ‘ how are you feeling’ Daily, as to me this was a reminder that I will not automatically feel better in a day and telling them ‘ I am feeling the same’ got a little bit repetitive. They will also respect you more telling them directly what you need. I told my friends I will be in touch if I needed to borrow their ear and during my worst times.

Its ok to have some space from people. I learnt I needed some space to digest what’s happening and time to reflect. However there is no set way with how you should heal. I found time out from social media and people for a short period helped me. Especially when I was having negative thoughts and frustrations. As anything that was said by people was misinterpreted. As my anorexia would distort what was said to make me feel bad so that it can take hold of me more.

Use online tools available. I was a true advocate for information available online about my Mental Illnesses. Especially during the time I was unsure wether my Anorexia returned.

https://www.time-to-change.org.uk – I am a follower of this charity, but also I am doing a lot of work for this charity as its also about reaching out, erasing stigma and raising awareness.

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/

https://www.mind.org.uk

https://www.mentalhealth-uk.org/

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/international/united-kingdom/u-k-eating-disorder-organizations-charities

My interpretation of the illness and recovery process.

I found so many websites really helpful to make me feel at ease with my illnesses and understand them better. I also directed my friends to the websites to grasp a better understanding of Eating Disorders, depression and anxiety.

People still find Eating disorders as a grey area, as you do not see a lot on social media about them. I wanted to change this and educate people on what it is actually like having an eating disorder. As people just see it is all about getting thin and not really thinking that they are more complex than this. With me its about coping and control with distortion created in my head about weight, calories and how I look. The distortion was usually at its worst the more malnourished I got and the further in recovery. As when your actively fighting this illness the anorexia in my head was not liking me doing the opposite of what the illness wanted me to do.

So with the distortion becoming more progressive through my recovery it is also distorting what people say about my illness and about the compliments I receive. So I have put together a list of things of good and bad things to say.

• You look healthy, great, fab or well. You may think these are nice compliments, however my anorexia twists this as I have gained weight, for which people can see you have gained. This can then spiral into constant thoughts about what was said and spiralling into anxiety believing I am at a healthy weight because people said I look healthy. I am usually strong with these comments on a good day, but with Anorexia on a bad day this can really spiral into a negative thought pattern.

• Do not mention the ‘W’ word. Yes I mean weight! Really a big no no. As the anorexia will really use this to make the sufferer feel bad. As I don’t really want to gain weight because of the anorexia making me feel this way. But I know that I need to gain weight to beat this anorexia. As going into my sessions for a weekly weigh in it self a terrifying experience because you do not know how the anorexia will make you feel.

• Snap out of it/or why don’t you just eat? As with all mental illnesses there is no on or off switch. Its about patience and listening. If Eating disorders were this simple I would not have serious health complications with my nerve damage today and seeing a counsellor/eating disorder specialist twice a week.

• I wish I had an eating disorder so I can lose weight too. Unfortunately I have heard this from my counsellor who said some people will say this, as they have no proper understanding. I haven’t witnessed this yet? As a sufferer with Anorexia I would do anything for a day without the thoughts and do not recommend anyone to have anorexia. Also it’s not all just all about losing weight. It is like a living nightmare that consumes you 24/7.

• I have lost a lot of weight unintentionally like you. Yes this has been said to me and I just brushed it off. Anorexia isn’t about unintentional weight loss and its a mental illness.

• When do you think you will be over this? How long is a piece of string and due to the complexity of the illness it can be a long term process. Eating disorders are known to be one of the hardest and dangerous Mental Illnesses to treat. Everyone is different, as they have different underlying issues.

• You need to eat more or is that all you are eating? Making any fuss around food is not great. As its a super stressful time as it is with the constant bad thoughts in our heads. Making fuss over eating and food will escalate and make the sufferer feel even worse.

• You don’t look thin enough to have anorexia? Many peoples misconceptions is you have to be underweight to have anorexia. However this is not true, as it is a mental illness people have anorexia for various reasons, as they have the anorexia mindset and can still have it at any BMI. Same with Bulimia and Binge eating.

• I have a counsellor who I recommend. This is from my own experience and its to seek proper help from a counsellor that is a specialist in your mental illness or Eating disorder. I nearly went to a recommendation from a friend who wasn’t an Eating Disorder specialist and so happy I made the choice to see people who specialise in this.

My overall message is to use the online tools available to us. As it will help so many people like myself and educate everyone so they can be just be there to listen. We often think its human nature to help others. However mental illnesses are a whole different kettle of fish. They are complex, they need time, they need to follow a set process and they need treatment. Either from medication and talking therapies. I really recommend seeing a counsellor who has been checked with the right qualifications and areas of speciality. I am now grateful I have the right help and support around me, as I am more comfortable talking about my illness. But also knowing that I have helped many people realise talking about mental illness is not that scary and everyone is different who they want to share this too.