It has been 4 weeks since the initial wake up call, for which I needed to make some changes by looking at a strategy to beat this evil bully that is Anorexia. As you may have gathered I do not represent her in any good light in my any of my blogs because of its nature. And the fact it almost took my life twice in a space of 20 years. She never disappeared after the first time and often disguised herself as this inner voice that was telling me I am not worth it.
I remember the day before I had made this decision to beat this. I was sat with my counsellor who was reinforcing why I needed to break away and my health was in serious danger. They said another weight loss and would have to look at intervention If I was not careful. They told me to refocus and they looked at giving me a goal to slowly to get some more calories in my weak and damaged body. I remember in my head I was determined not to change my mindset because it was going to be painful as it would be a whirlwind of emotion and anxiety. The demon inside was telling me that I will put on weight and not gain anything other than the weight gain. She used to tell me in my head that no one cared. This used to spiral my anxiety and depression further into its claws, for which I found it harder every day to climb my way out.
During this lowest part of my journey I got myself into a very dark hole for which the light was a very tiny pin prick not even detected by the human eye, for which a magnifier was needed. The magnifier in this situation were my friends, as it was 4 weeks ago I went to see my friend Steph for a coffee after a long walk from my house to see her. I was feeling sick and weak that day, but the inner voice was guiding me to keep going saying I will be ok. I remember stumbling a lot whilst I was walking my extremities were cold and numb from the lack of blood flow. I had some thoughts that consisted of “am i going to make it?” Or “what if I collapse and no one discovers me?”I now realise at this point it was the Amy who was trapped by the anorexia at this point. Similar to the film the exorcist in 1973, I was no more Amy and it was the anorexia on the surface showing, but Amy still was there trying to fight inside feeling trapped and needed to be freed. I needed holy water or food to allow the demon to be exorcised out of my body. As I mentioned earlier the illness does not deserve any polite or kind words to describe it.
I had literally forgotten who I was and what I had achieved throughout my life. I literally was consumed by this awful monster called Anorexia. I was in severe depression at this point and all my thoughts was about calories, food, exercise, taking laxatives and my weight. I never really thought about anyone in my life, my experiences and my passions. The only time I connected to myself was listening to music, for which I had brief thoughts about some memories it provoked. It was the messages from people that I had not spoken to that allowed me to reconnect to myself. As they was talking about the memories and the times we shared. For example during my time as a holiday representative I was known for being a good time girl who liked to drink and live life to the fullest. I slowly realised that it was people who was helping to free Amy from this demon.
I remember speaking to my friend Natalie who I met in Egypt who contacted me out the blue to see how I am and reminded me about the times in Egypt we had. From the places and experiences I started to use part of my brain that was untouched for a very long time. Suddenly I had memories! It was like the protection or wall in my brain that was built by this illness slowly caved in allowing some of those memories to flood back into my brain. The day after I made a decision to beat her I went for a walk not for exercise but just for some time to accept that I was doing this for real. I then smiled, felt the sun on my skin, my body felt the warmth again and inhaled the fresh air in my lungs as I realised – I am living! This is what life is for and its not being under control or dictated by calories and exercise. This made up demon in my head needed to be beaten with strength and determination. I knew I had no choice and from lots of messages from my clients who are now my friends this time round provided me with the support. Therefore returning the favour, but then I appreciated the rapport and relationship I had with my clients. And I am very lucky to have met these amazing people.
A recovery plan was required to terminate this beast once and for all! I did this through an army of people, weapons and strategies. I would like to share you with the weapons and strategies used, for which can help anyone in any situation. I definitely think the way the world is at the moment, technology, money and society doesn’t really allow to look after ourselves properly and we really need to take moments to sit back and appreciate ourselves and find out what makes the fibres of our being.
Reconnect Your Senses and Brain
As you may have gathered reconnecting is a great way to get yourself back. Anything that you used to find pleasure, any old friends, photos, experiences and places. Our senses are amazing tools to reconnect as even smells I found helpful to bring some memories back. I found the more I delved deeper with sounds and photos I was able to find an element of myself. I made a playlist on Spotify of songs I used to listen to on my travels and university. I would think about the people I met and the story’s we had. From lighting an old candle to smelling a perfume of the great times I had made me grasp some of these memories. However alongside this I needed other tools to really help me cope with what is happening in my head.
I put together a notice board with affirmations and peoples comments from my facebook page together in front of my mirror. So I see the board and not the reflection of myself. Also I went on photo box to compile myself a reflection book to keep me motivated when I went through my tough times. It was actually therapeutic putting it together as it really got me motivated to beat her. Plus its a great reminder that you overcame your demons.
Writing and Brain Dumping
My journal or Journals, as I have filled out 3 so far! They are my saviour as mentioned in part 1. I used to allow whatever’s going on in my brain pour onto paper. I used to write about what I did, my feelings, my worries and anything that is taking up room in my head. I call this brain dumping and it is a valuable tool to free up room in our brain. I see the brain as a computer and if its full of rubbish that needs dumping we need to delete and put in the trash bin or if its valuable to pop it on a memory stick. My journal is my memory stick, for which is a great analogy along with it being like a paper version of a counsellor. Even writing this down I am feeling my anxiety levels drop. As I am not going to lie she has been rattling my cage today whilst I am writing this. Shes been filling my head with none sense to upset me or make me feel angry about people.
Reach out to others – A massive number 1!
A common thing I talk about daily on my Social Media pages is really reaching out to people, as it was when I started to message people individually. Making the decision to getting my story out to other people online was a massive step for me. However I did not want this to win and if I got it out to more people the better. Also wanted to reach out and spread awareness. Mainly to show how powerful this illness is and it can effect anyone. People wasn’t aware that I had anorexia in my teens and was not properly resolved. I never really mentioned about my Eating Disorder to anyone and felt it was a dirty little secret within me. It has been the best thing me reaching out and spreading awareness as I never really thought of the positive impact it made on my life and others. Not just for people going through Eating Disorders, but for other people going through mental illness and to cope with the stresses of everyday life. Just talking and finding that one person who listens makes a lot of difference.
We all need to reach out to people and you will be surprised with how many people are going through similar walks of life. Mental Health is increasing because our society still plays a huge stigma on this. But in fact its very common and surprising how many people are suffering in silence. Always being an ear and not offering to fix their problems. People assume when you talk to them they have to fix the issues, but in fact its just listening and telling them your always their for them. During my low days I had to go through a stage of not talking. As I was told by my counsellors I am not in a good frame of mind to speak to anyone as the anorexia would distort peoples words and allowing me to spiral down even further. I was lucky to have some understanding friends who was their only when I approached them. They did not judge, as they only listened and provided me with support. Also I told many friends how I should be approached and what the best things to say to me are. For example not being asked how I am feeling every day helped. As I did not change daily and was fed up with feeling depressed and anxious.
New hobbies
I am sometimes grateful for this illness as its allowed me to explore other avenues. But also to see my own worth along with how far I have come in life. With all the experiences, places and people I have met along the way. I would also never discover my love and passion for writing if I didn’t have this journey. I compare myself to how I was a year ago. I would say I have achieved more in the past 4 years than in a whole year. I never thought my recovery would be helping others whilst I’m in the process of helping myself. However now that I have found another avenue, as I am not able to do anything physically. I just wanted to make the most of what tools i had left. The anorexia didn’t take away my hands, my voice and my ears. So now I am writing a fictional book aiming to take people away from reality but with plenty of hidden messages to inspire people with.
Self Care and time for you – Creating Rituals and Good habits.
During my recovery journey I have seen the importance of routine and having time to appreciate yourself. I used baths in my low times to keep warm but the same time I was trying to allow a moment for myself. I set my alarm at the same time most days and get ready like I am working. As at the minute I can not work, but still going into work pretending I am working but just mainly doing my writing. I dragged out some old clothes and allowed time for me in the morning to dress nicely, do my hair and put on make up. It’s having this morning ritual that has quieted the inner voice, as when I am sitting around the house letting my mind wonder she likes to appear more dominant. Many people with my illness are able to make a gradual attempt to get back into work whereas I am not able to do my job physically. Also I don’t want to give up on my dream of being a Personal Trainer. From making an effort on myself I feel that I am giving myself some self worth back. The same is with my mindfulness and meditation. It’s allowing some time for you and to appreciate yourself.
With being a month into recovery its still hard, but its taking each day as a day. Appreciate the small things in a day. I am quite lucky I am not able to work because its made me appreciate the small things that we miss out with our busy lives. I never realised that my tastebuds have missed so many different foods. So I have learnt to take a step back and try new things. Think about things that you have not done for a while and doesn’t necessarily mean foods. Or just breaking old habits to create new habits. I give myself a new goal each day to try something new or go somewhere different. OR to even talk to someone different outside of your network. It is allowing ourselves to make new memories. I am grateful for all the experiences during my 33 years, as I have met so many people and have so many cherish memories. It is going through this illness that has provided me to appreciate myself and the life I have. Along with making a decision to recover. As I don’t think I will be here today writing this blog to reaching making this awareness.
Writing and listening to music has become my therapy. I never go without my music I am currently listening to Coldplay and it seems to really help and inspire me further in my writing. Along with numbing the voices that have control over me. I have come to the conclusion that Anorexia hates Coldplay. Similar to an exorcism when reading biblical texts. I would not have realised my passion for writing and helping others. It’s with the music I am playing that helps with my creativity. I go through different playlists of inspirational musicians. The first few weeks of my recovery I was religiously listening to Queen and Coldplay. They also brought a lot of memories of my dad, for which listening to them made me feel dad was there holding my hand through recovery and through the challenges that I face with my health.
Without all these strategies I would be struggling through this recovery. As anorexia or any mental illness or even addictions it takes you as a person, for which you feel lost. It’s these tools that have helped to find myself along with putting all the pieces of the broken puzzle together. I’m now feeling I have got to a stage of finding the missing piece that just requires me to be healthy and strong to find it. I am patient that the outcome of this puzzle would be beautiful and an amazing achievement that is not comparable to anything I have accomplished. I know I have done lots of marathons and Spartans. But like any marathon or Spartan they are long distance races require strength, determination, fuel, training physically and mentally. They have many obstacles to accomplish some easy and some hard that you wish you trained harder for or not prepared for, however find a way to get round that obstacle. I see this as my journey or life. We are faced with challenges but its how you deal with them that counts and they are there to teach us along with making us stronger for when we are faced with another challenge. This is also how I view bad days because a bad day is thrown in the mix to make you a stronger person to teach yourself how to cope better therefore gaining strength. These coping strategies were used to help me through these bad times.
Achieve With Amy 