Since my Recovery Journey began 5 weeks ago I have received so many comments saying “you are brave” or “inspirational” along with “well done” for coming out about my Mental Illness. Twenty years ago I was going through the same illness without the depression and anxiety, but in denial that it was a problem. As back then I did not really understand the scope of Anorexia. It was until recently I understood its ugly form along with the two most powerful emotionally driven Mental Health illnesses Depression or Anxiety. I refer these as D and A bombs in my blog, as I feel these illnesses come in waves and to cause destruction from the anorexia. As she wants to destroy me with these emotional states to bring me down to ensure I comply with her rules. These rules of restriction, exercise, laxative abuse, diet pills and the many other traits of the illness she gave me.

She is constantly there when I wake up and before I go to bed. I have also had dreams about me eating and feeling this intense guilt. Many people think these thoughts are intermittent. However it is something thats always there. I see her as a young spoilt child who never goes away. All that she does is cry and beg for things constantly. You either have to give in or say no along with being really strict. This is another analogy I use to describe it. As you may have read from previous blogs I love analogies so you (the audience) can grow a deeper understanding. In order to quieten this irritating sound of this child crying I found reaching out for help was the best thing I did. Along with deciding enough of the constant begging, torment and crying. I told the child to go to its room as I needed some space! When I decided to recover I had to do the opposite of my first occurrence of the illness.

During the first occurrence of anorexia Intervention was used, as I was only 14 at the time and was in denial that I had this illness. As I spoke about in my previous blogs. The experience was very regimented and a quite scary experience to go through at such a young age. I was missing classes from school to attend appointments with GP’s and counselling. However they was not specialised in Eating Disorders. Even when I was hospitalised they did not know what to do with me. I remember at school the teachers did not know how to act around a child with anorexia. I remember in one class I was getting to my worst stage of the illness when a teacher said “are you eating?” I was mortified as this was in front of 30 other pupils amongst them was my friends. However as I was hospitalised the school began to understand how serious my illness was. But I still did not even understand this myself. Also my family was not clued with the ins and outs of the illness. My treatment was regimented as I was sent away to York at a Mental Health unit or institution for about 9 months, however even mentioning it as an institution or unit to me puts a stigma on the whole process for treatment. I had no choice with the treatment, as I had someone with me at all times while I was eating and resting after I had eaten. This is to ensure I didn’t make any visits to the toilet. I was checked upon regularly whilst I was even sleeping. It was from this experience I found myself ashamed of what I had been through. When I came out of treatment to return to a normal routine at home and school. I remember people at school not really knowing what to say to me.

It has taken me 20 years to really come to terms with how the treatment received during my first diagnosis of Anorexia was a cause for my anxiety along with needing to be in control. I was thankful they treated me, as I was putting myself in an early grave coming so close to death. I would not be here otherwise. However the reasons for this returning is because I needed to have control in my life and my relationship with food was the only thing I could really control. It controlled my emotions either through Binge eating or Restrictive eating. I am thankful for the treatment with Navigo who are the main Mental Health providers in my area who have allowed me to discover some of the issues that have been with me throughout the 20 years. For which has caused anxiety, depression, binge and restrictive eating. I was also close to committing suicide in my first year of university.

Its been discovered lately in my sessions that my binge eating is another trait of my eating disorder. They say many people with anorexia also experience binge eating, for which huge amounts of guilt follows eating a large amount of food. I also combined binge eating with excessive exercise when I first started my Fitness journey. I have had a few weeks during my recovery where I did not know when to stop eating and felt a rush of adrenaline eating all these forbidden foods. However at the same time feeling the intense emotions of anxiety. They have mentioned to me I need to have a moderate eating pattern making sure I keep to 3 meals and snacks in between. However I have forgotten what moderation is? All I know is going from one end of the spectrum to the other. I have also realised this with my moods. I never seem to have a levelled out mood. Going through all my photos from university, Resort Representative days and through my fitness career. My weight is always like a seesaw and no fine balance.

I am extremely grateful to finally found reasons behind some of my behaviours throughout the years. Also that I was still able to meet so many people who have made a massive impact on my life and still keep in touch with now. I was lucky to experience university life, a career in travelling and a fitness career. So many avenues of life that some people won’t even get the opportunity to go down. It was meeting new people and making friends that has been a massive part of my life along with the experiences I am lucky to share. I always think things happen for a reason. And I truelly believe these paths are already made in front of us ready for us to travel. Sometimes involves deciding which path to take can be tricky, but some paths are made for us, for which we have no choice. We sometimes come to dead ends, for which we just need to turn around retracing our steps and go down the alternative route. I believe this is the case in my recovery. As there is no set straight path to recover its going to have many paths, alley ways and dead-ends, which will have relapses to reverse or turn around to go down the correct path. Life is the same with ups and downs. I have learnt the importance of the lows to really feel the benefit of these highs. Its these processes that make us human and feel emotion, for which means one thing – we are living!

Without the paths I have travelled down in life I won’t be here today writing this blog and helping people along through my journey. Its like me travelling in a rusty car that keeps breaking down on the way to a destination. However without knowing when you will get there and on the way you see people you know. You may have broken down a few times, for which these people have helped you get you back on track or there has been people who you meet just to sit down for a chat over coffee and a listen. Or people who may have needed my help through my experience. Sometimes my car maybe having trouble to get started, for which needs a lot of people to give it a big push. This is how I see my whole recovery journey and it requires support, help and people to be there during the really tricky times to help me see the light. There will be many dead ends but its not the end, as I can simply reverse or U turn. As I have already got so far by gaining strength from myself and the support given already.

This week I did meet a dead end, which was tough to U turn but I needed to slowly back out off. I have many issues with my health, which is causing me a lot of health anxieties. I also had many D and A bombs thrown at me on the way. This has made reversing out of the dead end harder, but keeping with the same mindset as last week. I am needed to put some of my strength dealing with other issues this week. This being my health anxieties and not knowing if I am able to return to my job in fitness or even get to run again. My symptoms have been worsening as the days have gone by. My foot with the foot drop has no movement at all and have been feeling achy, weak and tired. I have a scan tomorrow, so I feel worried about what they will find. However I know what ever is found I can not change it and will need to find another strategy or go to the garage to get it fixed or a new part if I was going back to the rusty car analogy!

I like to use my experience through recovery using ripple effect analogy. I also came up with this today after reflecting about Mental Health awareness today. After comparing it to how it was 20 years ago I investigated what changes have been made. It is through charities and people talking about their experiences that have made a difference to the stigma. This week I had the opportunity to be a media ambassador for Time-to-change.org.uk, for which they will use my blog and will get media in touch with me to spread awareness about my story. Along with the Heads Together campaign that is strongly promoted by the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. Along with many other charities that have really helped people to reach out along with educating people about Mental Health. Without this we would still not talk and the stigma being as strong as ever. The ripple effect for me was seeking help from these charities and having the courage to speak out to people on social media. I wanted something positive to come from my experience, but also it helps me because It allows me to talk and the more I talk about anorexia the more shes not kept locked away inside my head! Without realising I have helped so many people and overwhelmed with the comments and responses. I know from me promoting the awareness the more people will talk more about this. For which the ripple effect is a great analogy for spreading awareness and weakening the stigma. As it only requires one small drop to ripple out wide to people around you.

Without the paths I have taken in my life I would have not met all the people supporting me today. But also I would not be able to help all these people following my story daily. It is charities that really need our help to support people with Mental illness and educate others. Along with everyone helping each other even just to listen will make a huge difference to someone’s life. You can also cause this massive ripple effect that will ripple wide even globally helping many other people along the way. You will be surprised what impact you make just listening to someone and making them feel valued from reaching out.